How not to Christmas Party

Since graduation in November 2015 I have working the real hustle. I’ve started my own business, which may well the smallest business in Scotland. I’m a dog walker, with about 4 regular clients. Alongside this I took a job as a waitress in a 4 star hotel with  big brand name, which I will not go into details about. Except in the work that I do there…

I started at the very end of November, which incidentally is the start of Christmas party season. I have put together a small guide of how to behave at such events, from the point of view of the people working there. Please, feel free to share this around the office when Christmas time rolls around again. Or spread it around passive aggressively after the fact. I will even put the headline in Christmas song format, so they will be easy to remember.

He sees you when you’re sneaking,
Booze out of your bag.
(Santa Clause is Coming to Town.)

So here’s the thing. We’re all adults (apart from the KPs who are generally under 18) and we know that adults will imbibe fermented fruit in alter to temporarily alter their brain chemistry. And it’s Christmas, so rock on. But don’t think for a second we won’t see you sneaking your guilty bottle in to avoid drink prices. Most hotels will allow you to bring in your own alcohol, providing you don’t mean a corkage charge. And there’s a reason. Your company will probably pay around £15/$30 per head for a Christmas meal. When you consider how that money is split between the cost of the food, the labour hours involved in prepping it, the chef’s wages to cook it and the waiting staff’s wages to serve it, £15/£30 doesn’t go very far. It’s no secret that hotels will make the most money from the bar, and that’s why we have to charge corkage to bring your own booze in.

I’ll be frank, if we see someone sneaking booze in we don’t think “Oooh, how edgy and system-breaking.” Instead we will roll our eyes and think you’re tacky AF. Sorry about it.

Shoes akimbo,
I bump and grind in front of my boss, a lot…
(Santa Baby.)

Remember, you will be the talk of the staff room not only at your own place of work, but mine too. I know a lot of office romances blossom at the old Christmas do, but you have to face these people again. If you’re the one crying at 10:30 because your boss capped the bar tab at £400/$800, please rethink your life choices. By all means, get lairy, get messy! It’s Christmas so fuck it. But just know when a good night out with work turns into a Gincident that marks you as a wild card at work.

And taking off your shoes and all is fine, but don’t wander about my hotel in and out of the bathroom in your ratchet tights, ladies. It’s not cute. Bring flats in your bag, like a lady. Alternatively, make sure you can walk in your heels. Watching you teeter ever so slowly across the lobby with your large Pinot Grigio and a Cosmo in either hand is frankly embarrassing.

We’ve pulled out all the tricks ba-rum-ba-pum-pum
Weeee deserve some tips ba-rum-ba-pum-puum
(Little Drummer Boy)

I know, it’s not something that is customary in a lot of places. Your company has paid their £15/£30 a head for the 3 course meal, put a £500/$1000* tab behind the bar, what more do you want! The thing is, at the end of your tab, when all the money has been drunk, your staff tend to get a bit boisterous, and ore often than not, sassy AF. I’m sorry we’re all out of Cointreau, but Lisa has tanned our last bottle since she’s ordered 15 of them. If we have to smile and grit our teeth when you insist on leering over my shoulder to make sure I’m getting your 8th round of drinks right (females) or leering down my shirt when I’m trying to clear your table of thousands of beer bottles (men) I think it’s not whitin the realms of common decency to leave a small tip. I mean what’s £20/$40 on top of an enormous bar bill? One can only dream.

*Yes, that’s a thing that happened…

And finally a note for those you have to work at these types of events. These people are actually paying  a lot of money to have a night out away from the stresses of work and to have a good time. Show them one. It’s hard to grin and bear it, but at the end of the day, it’s one (or two, or 9) evenings out of your whole year, and you never have to see these people again. And think, One night it will be YOU having one of these nights out, don’t inflict your worst customer self on other wait staff.

And wait until AFTER the beat has dropped to take your full tray of empty glasses back to the kitchen. Take it from the more experienced, it’s comical, but terrifying, to make your way across the dance floor at the pinnacle of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Have a safe and happy holiday season everyone!




Monthly Favorites Post Grad edition (February)

Monthly Favourites. So far not so monthly but I’m finding that writing is a good outlet for me just now so I intend to keep this blog up a bit more. Still in the midst of Post Graduate studies, still looking for a quick way to save time and money…

  1. Late night Tesco shops. Everything is discounted and there’s no queue. Perfection.
  2. You can download this as an app as well. It suggests when you should fall asleep and when you should wake up if you were to fall asleep at a certain time so that you can wake up “naturally”. I’ll admit I’ve resorted to different alarms everyday so that I don’t become accustomed. I miss sleeping.
  3. Instagram. In times of stress I like to take a 5 minute break to tweak some travel photos and put them on instagram. It’s the ultimate ego wank but also very therapeutic and procrastinationy
  4. Craft beers/ciders. There’s something about drinking a ThistlyCross cider whilst doing an essay that makes me feel quite smug…
  5. My Naked 2 palette from Urban decay. In two swipes of glitter across my eye lid I can convince everyone I’m a real human that puts effort into her appearance. Genius.
  6. Hula Hooping. I invested in a weighted hoop. While my room isn’t big enough to swing a cat in I can sure as hell use a 3Kg hula hoop (so long as I can keep it around my waist otherwise it hits off the bed. Maybe I should try it in heels?)
  7. Pole dancing. When I was about 19 I used to pole dance with the university and recently a friend and I decided to give it another go. I think I should get a blood test because I am bruising like a peach as a result but It’s super fun and super good for you. Plus when you’re drunk you can try and do it for free on lampposts. Win.
  8. The stock market. Don’t ask, it’s just been fascinating me recently.
  9. Yankee candle offers. Humans are one of the only animals to alter the scent of the place they live in, so why not choose to live in a red apple or a mint leaf. (Hint – I like the minty ones, send me some.)
  10. Franks hot sauce. Have you ever tasted that stuff? I’m just really into it at the moment.
  11. Discounted meats. Someone tell me where I can find more discounted meats.
  12. Just-eat vouchers. Gimme gimme gimme.
  13. Tetley tea bags. These were possibly in the old monthly favourites but you can’t say I’m not consistent. Love you guys, thanks for all the caffeine.
  14. Ok, ok. A serious one. Lush’s “Silky Underwear” dusting powder. It smells so god man. It saves valuable time drying in the mornings, just empty the bottle onto your body then put clothes on.
  15. 2 o’clock lectures. Days where I have lectures are the days where I can actually wash my hair (it’s a trail and a tribulation in itself)  exfoliate and moisturise (I heard girls are supposed to do that) and eat a decent meal before going. Who honestly has time to do their hair and make up and choose a well coordinated outfit before a nine o’clock lecture when you have a 30 minute commute. There’s a reason I look like I get dressed in the dark, and it’s because I do!.

Tag me in your monthly favourites. You can see my old one from November here.

Monthly Favourites – Post Grad edition

I thought about deleting this blog for a while. I have so little time to be active on it and not an awful lot to say. But. I thought I’d give it another shot. So here it goes.

Monthly Favourites – Post Grad Edition.

  1. Dry shampoo. Thanks Brown Batiste. You really save me a lot of time.
  2. Dry shower. Yes. It’s a thing. It’s kind of like foaming hand soap but for your body. Shout out.
  3. Endnote. Wow. Just wow. All my references in one place. I could have cried when I set it up.
  4. Slimfast milkshakes. Because who has time to make breakfast.
  5. Cuppa soups. Because who has time to make lunch.
  6. My flatmate. For cooking me tea. THANKS.
  7. Sketchers walkers. Like walking on air which is good because I walk fucking everywhere.
  8. (An actual serious one) Lush lip scrub in Mint Julip. I am that awful person that loudly chews their lips when they concentrate. Such a lifesaver.
  9. Free opticians. Hi, I’m Kirsty and I have stared at my screen so much in the past 3 months that I now need glasses.
  10. My printer. As much of a faff as you were to set up you have saved my scalp a few times now. Thanks
  11. And finally Tetleys. I swear to God I have kept those guys in business. Lifetime favourites.

I’d love to see your monthly favourites, so tag me if you do this and I tag all of y’all.